Psychology (sorta -) 

Brings me to the next point. Therapist had suggested that the next step to my recovery from depression would be to become more emotionally mindful and open myself up to all the emotions inside of me.

The problem is that I feel so much pain and sorrow from the daily grind, from the news, from the shadows of my past, to the Itty bitty mistakes at work that show some level of imperfection - so much pain that I'm afraid I'd collapse under it, instead of just holding on.

There's a reason I don't like thinking about alternative realities and Multiverses. I don't want to know how many times I've failed.

Old memory (huh) 

I played piano for several years as a kid, and I think I was decently good at it from a technical perspective. I wasn't necessarily a natural but competent.

I was told at one point that I wouldn't get any better unless I showed emotion with my playing.

I don't think I've ever considered it, but the reason I couldn't give emotion is that I had no emotion to give; depression, awkward smart childhood, etc.

I had nothing more to give. And so I stopped and went on to something else.

Sometimes you just can't.

Social (-) 

Trying to find someone new to talk with, only to find they're a good friend of an ex.

Small furry kink world.

Mh (still -) 

I'm not going to forsake other people finding people out there in the universe for the Gods' sake but I'm quite sick of playing the game of trying to find people that I could have a nice horny relationship with. And it just seems fruitless. What I want doesn't happen. It doesn't happen naturally and it doesn't happen at all.

I know it's partially that reaching out to people isn't something that appears on my horizon regularly. That in turn is part introversion and part exhaustion at life in general.

Show thread

Mh (still -) 

I found someone to talk with, someone who at least gets it, not someone fully compatible but at least unabashedly horny and not too ashamed of it.

It took a 20 minute conversation for them yesterday to break down and tell me they were going out with someone else and they didn't want to hurt me and can we still be friends and.

I'm literally too old for this.

It really is cold outside - it's broken 60 (15) maybe 3 times this year in Seattle. I'm getting a little sick of it.

Mh - 

The nexus of this was from looking at a candid photograph of myself at that Starbucks earlier, and just feeling like the years really haven't been kind to me. I haven't been that kind or careful about my self image, especially with Covid, and that all... Just fell in and imploded.

I feel like I've run out of time to be loved.

I see what the ennui is for what it is, but I still have to feel it - feel something.

It's really Damn cold outside.

Show thread

Mh - 

Normally I'm fine with the decisions I've made in life, regarding getting away from people who didn't want me and trying to establish a meaningful, purposeful life by myself without too much outside intervention.

Just right now the loneliness came crashing in on me. It does sometimes, alas.

I guess I'm feeling ultra philosophical today. Probably because I'm trying to avoid doing something at work that I've been told to do that I know will piss several people off. Such is life sometimes.

First day in the office.

Not a mask to be seen.

Ugh.

Just putting this here.

New commissions:

* Paw hypnosis from an artist who basically draws paws and claws for a living
* A skin-rip explode-from-within blueberry TF from an artist who does inflation and said she likes horror. She took it well

Still on deck:

* A Telos hypnotizing the viewer piece (remember Telos? No? Sie was meant to be a sex elemental in raccoon form)
* A balloon TF stressing translucent belly, perhaps

Weird work day. Went into the datacenter to clean it up, had the first ever in person meeting with all my 6-month colleagues, had lunch, camping out in a Starbucks waiting for a dental appointment.

Um, Yay?

Today I'm playing the pre-Internet equivalent of Spotify by swapping radio stations every time there is ads.

Oh, I see why. This server has limited the mast social server. ...ok?

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Oh, if I didn't make the reason I blew away the old account clear: I logged on and the only thing I could see on it was @kauko. No offense to Kauko, but I was hoping for a little bit more diversity in my Mastodon feed.

TF stuff 

I found the attached picture just tucked into my nearly virgin Pictures folder on my newish computer. I don't remember putting it there.

I think it explains everything.

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