bunker time: y1, d279, not exclusviely glowtide, mh(-)
me: I must offer something of value to this community I feel myself to be at the edges of, so that they will not reject me
also me: I will never be fully sure whether I am accepted in this community that I feel myself to be at the edges of because of the thing of value I brought, why does this keep happening to me
bunker time: y1, d280, mh (~), social/romantic
It occurs to me all of a sudden that all this worry I feel, all these games I end up half-consciously playing around how long to wait until responding and micro-positioning around power dynamics and trying to pretend I need the other person less than they need me -
that these things are likely totally unnecessary and the other person doesn't even realize that they're going on, and that if I were ever actually justified in doing these things, that that's a relationship I probably don't want to be in to start with.
bunker time: y1, d290, reflections on the past gregorian year
This year, what did I get done? What did I achieve?
1. I survived. I lived through a literal fucking plague.
2. I finally saw what might be this nation's fever breaking, if even a little bit - direct action on the one hand, and electoralist bleed-stopping on the other.
3. I passed my quals in algebra and geometry with flying colors. I got a rerun of the Forty Days of Hell, and I won.
4. I finally managed to get in touch with local mental health services.
5. I kept my tiny experiment in macroeconomics running (again, *through a plague.*)
5'. (More on that here: lorx.us/favor )
6. I bought a first firearm, and have been teaching myself to shoot long(ish)-range. I'm still decently good at it, after all these years; thank muscle memory, I suppose.
7. I applied to about 50 postdoc math programs.
8. I helped out with local mutual aid efforts and jail support (again, DURING A PLAGUE) more than a few times, both materially and with labor.
9. Colossal successes in [Unspecified Project 3] through predictive skill and access to [unspecified resource] permitting generous aid.
bunker time: y1, d290, reflections on the past gregorian year
10. I came to conceptualize mathematical research, academic pursuits, and other personal pursuits as *literal* pursuits; that is, hunting abstractions.
11. I taught several friends to hunt basic algebra and calculus.
12. I turned 27; again, IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORLDWIDE PLAGUE. I didn't fully expect to make it this far.
13. I won the Little Drummer Boy Game! 9 hours to go on the bonus round.
14. I kept my own plague calendar and covid statistics tracking.
14'.) The calendar (BLaRTS) is defined to have Bunker Time Day 1 as March 17; right now is Year 1, Day 290. More finely, right now as I type this is BLaRTS T+24,985,000 - the time since 2020/3/17, UTC 22:00.
The plague stats are here: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14X18mvs9dlsg9rnihnd8Vi6cMNesOkcp3AXV2epZWUQ/edit#gid=971024186
15. I put the finishing touches on my first original result (in geometric group theory, no less!).
Could I have done more? Certainly. But ultimately, hindsight is 2020.
bunker time: y1, d290, reflections on the past gregorian year, death
Let us remember those who entropy has stolen from us this past year.
Let their names and their deeds live on in us.
Liang Wudong, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Li Wenliang, who is dead, but not forgotten.
David Graeber, who is dead, but not forgotten.
John Horton Conway, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Vaughan Jones, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Freeman Dyson, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Chuck Yeager, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Michael Hertz, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Ronald Lewis Graham, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Alex Trebek, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Shin Kyuk-ho, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Wes Wilson, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Yi Hae-won, who is dead, but not forgotten.
bunker time: y1, d290, reflections on the past gregorian year, death
Cullen Mahany, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Rick May, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Ahmaud Arbery, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Breonna Taylor, who is dead, but not forgotten.
George Floyd, who is dead, but not forgotten.
James Scurlock, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Krzysztof Penderecki, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Kim Yong-un, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Bernd Fischer, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Peter Borwein, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Bernard Stiegler, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Michael Darwin Morley, who is dead, but not forgotten.
George Robery Carruthers, who is dead, but not forgotten.
I don't believe there's anything after death, unless people make it, and we haven't yet. Accordingly, these people are permanently gone. It is now ours to remember them, and to continue their work.
bunker time: y1, d304, idle thoughts
"What is true is already so.
Owning up to it doesn't make it any worse.
Not being open about it doesn't make it go away.
And because it is true, it is what is there to be interacted with.
Anything untrue isn't there to be lived.
People can stand what is true, for they are already enduring it."
I think about that a lot. One of the little charred scrolls I took with me after a couple of wise men made a series of very long and very foolish mistakes, and failed to update well enough to notice in time.
bunker time: y1, d310, uspol
Delightful - it's looking like we really *have* bought ourselves a couple of years' reprieve.
bunker time: y1, d314, timekeeping, food
@lorxus On BLaRTS y1 d314, I made pie. (Cherry, with stale Sauterne and framboise.)
re: bunker time: y1, d314, timekeeping, food
@lorxus oh nice!!
bunker time: y1, d314, guns
@lorxus yikes. glad you're safe
bunker time: y1, d314, guns
@lorxus That is mildly terrifying *sends support*
bunker time: y1, d314, alc
@lorxus come at me.
bunker time: y1, d314, alc
@lorxus that sounds like a threat.
re: bunker time: y1, d317
@lorxus I haven't heard of this thing?
re: bunker time: y1, d317
@starkatt Most recent Christopher Nolan movie. Released in theaters(???) about 5 months ago? But I hadn't watched it until now.
bunker time: y1, d320, plague-adj
@lorxus when's your birthday! we should celebrate!
also i probably should have journalled.
bunker time: y1, d320, plague-adj
@Yana May 18th. A ways off, but I have no delusions that this will be over by then.
bunker time: y1, d320, plague-adj
@lorxus well i hope we can make something happen virtually if that's the case. mine's June 25th, so we'll see what goes on then. but i like spending time with you! i think we can find a good way to spend the day if you'd like, once it gets closer ofc
bunker time: y1, d310, uspol
Here we are, bloodied, but unbowed.
As is customary, I will give it a full three days before I start talking about how almost nothing has changed and we're all fucked in multiple ways on multiple timescales once more.