bunker time: y1, d224, mh(~), gross
I keep forgetting that forgetting to take my meds makes everything else much, much harder
like math, or keeping myself and my apartment clean
or remembering to take my meds
thank fuck that's over with for the moment, as evidenced by the fact that this past weekend I finally cleaned out my sink completely
including cleaning away quite a lot of mold growth :S
bunker time: y1, d228, dreams
Trying to meet up with Borat in a universe where almost everyone around me acted like the pseudo-Kazakhstani. I ran into college friends, too, and was relieved, because everyone else was hypersexual, incredibly stupid, and generally disgusting.
bunker time: y1, d229, mh (~)
Does anyone else ever wake up with the feeling that something isn't right for no obvious reason?
Like, the same feeling you get listening to a stringed instrument tuned slightly off, or food that's just a touch undersalted. That kind of thing.
bunker time: y1, d229, timekeeping
I always stay up to watch the hour setback and pushforward.
bunker time: y1, d229, timekeeping
I'm going to hold on to the bunker time calendar after this is over.
bunker time: y1, d229, uspol, plague
No matter what happens next week, I don't think I'll ever forget that in the middle of a literal plague, the referendum on whether or not we should become an autocracy, the vote was *remotely close*.
bunker time: y1, d230, uspol, vague, (-)
Come tomorrow night, I want Them to suffer as we have suffered, to mourn as we have mourned, to fear rightly for Their futures and Their legacies and Their ways of life as we have done for the last four years.
I want Them to hurt, and to fear. I want Them to wail, and rage, and dash Themselves to bloody flinders against the forces of the law.
I want for Them to regret deeply and sincerely having continued to fight this cold civil war, to have gleefully violated the pact of tolerance that kept our society together to some lesser or greater extent becaues they found some benefit in it.
I want for tomorrow night to be the beginning of Their end, the last act in this hundred-and-sixty year war, or else the end of all things on this pale blue dot.
bunker time: y1, d230, uspol, vague, (-)
I have not and would not claim to be a good or kind person.
bunker time: y1, d230, uspol, vague, (-)
But neither am I under any delusions that this cold civil war, regardless of any heating that may come, is a total one, one without quarter asked for or given.
bunker time: y1, d230, uspol, vague, (-)
Not for nothing have I taken to calling myself an end scholar.
bunker time: y1, d230, vague, (-)
What was it like, I wonder, to live through the Bronze Age Collapse? Delicate webs of civilization-sustaining trade wrecked by climate shift and consequent war, each societal dissolution fueling the next crash? What was it like to live through the end of all things?
bunker time: y1, d230, vague, mh (-)
What I'm saying is that no, I'm not OK.
bunker time: y1, d231, uspol
time now for the quadriennial ritual where we all scream at each everyone we know as if it will help, relive trauma from the last time, and minimally-invested voters from half a dozen small-to-mid-sized states pick the next ruler of the US-EU-UK bloc.
bunker time: y1, d232, uspol
Well, I'm not crying and traumatized, so that's an improvement over last go-round thus far
bunker time: y1, d233, mild woo
I will never not feel called out by reality with respect to the fact that there's a pretty clear seelie/unseelie-class aesthetic moiety divide in the Seattle postfurry.
bunker time: y1, d236 timekeeping
As of this morning, it is now BLARTS (Bunker (Lorxus and @rey ) Time (Standardized)) T +20 megaseconds.
bunker time: y1, d236 timekeeping
@rey (I forgot to mark T +2^24 , which was on the evening of September 27, 2020)
bunker time: y1, d236, uspol
I wonder what that alternate-universe Lorxus is doing right now, the one in the timeline where The Orange won
bunker time: y1, d240, timekeeping
BLARTS Day 240. 6 quarantines.
bunker time: y1, d242, foxposting, math
Helped a friend with some hunting practice today. I found it simple but satisfying.
bunker time: y1, d246, mh (+)
FINALLY got through to see a therapist for the first time in about 5 years. I think the intake went well, but I didn't realize just how much of @makyo 's archness I absorbed.
bunker time: y1, d249, foxposting, mathposting
Behind as fuck on paper revision and math pset. I've taken down worse. I'm feeling, for the first time in a long time, even a little like a proper hunter of truths.
bunker time: y1, d249, idle thoughts
I can't believe we live in a timeline where a major kind of embryonic machine intelligence is homophonic for a swear word in Mandarin Chinese.
bunker time: y1, d249, idle thoughts(-)
I got slightly nostalgic and watched some of Who Speaks For Earth of Sagan's Cosmos. I used to mourn Sagan's loss. But listening to -
"In the last two centuries abject slavery, which was with us for thousands of years, has almost entirely been eliminated in a stirring world wide revolution. Women, systematically mistreated for millennia, are gradually gaining the political and economic power traditionally denied to them. And some wars of aggression have recently been stopped or curtailed because of a revulsion felt by the people in the aggressor nations. The old appeals to racial, sexual and religious chauvinism and to rabid nationalism are beginning not to work. A new consciousness is developing which sees the earth as a single organism and recognizes that an organism at war with itself is doomed."
Nah. Not that I can tell. It was a brief fever dream of the 80s and 90s, and then done away with, to the best of my perception, and we live in the result.
bunker time: y1, d249, idle thoughts(-)
Thank the gods he didn't have to see any of this. Thank the gods he didn't have to see how right and how wrong he was.
bunker time: y1, d249, a supposition I keep coming back to (--)
What if this is a dead world spinning, and has been since the late 19th century? What if the last hope we had to reach the stars was to avoid any or all of the failure of Reconstruction, the Crimean War, the Franco-Prussian War, the Taiping Rebellion, the Scramble for Africa, the War of the Triple Alliance, and the Gilded Age?
bunker time: y1, d250, timekeeping
Two hundred fifty days of plague.
bunker time: y1, d253, gun-adj
Oh hey, my rear bag arrived!
bunker time: y1, d253, gun-adj, dreams
Also: the Jaw showed up on my dreams last night. I don't quite remember why.
bunker time: y1, d256, timekeeping
2^8 days now.
bunker time: y1, d266, timekeeping
How strange, to still keep the anniversary of a pain that the one who caused it has surely long since forgotten.
bunker time: y1, d266, timekeeping
Also, to be clear: this isn't about Pearl Harbor, even a little bit.
bunker time: y1, d266, gun mention
Gods, I wish I could fucking go shooting without worrying about the plague.
bunker time: y1, d271, gun mention
Yeah, this hasn't changed even a little.
bunker time: y1, d271, timekeeping
It's been
Nine months since the quarantine
Locked myself in my house to try to save me
bunker time: y1, d272, LDBG, food
Ran out for groceries and forgot my keys and headset, so I spent a tense half an hour or so in the grocery store before emerging unscathed.
Vaguely related: did you know that you can just make your own vanilla cola?
bunker time: y1, d279, glowtide, mh (-)
Having some complicated thoughts today about community and distance. Getting some loneliness; doubts creeping in about how much (or whether) I'm really welcome.
bunker time: y1, d279, glowtide, mh (-)
Do I get to be part of a community I'm physically far from, or am I just deluding myself again? What if I'm just being tolerated, all over again? What do people say of me, when I'm not there?
bunker time: y1, d279, glowtide, mh (-)
Please be so kind as not to just say I'm welcome. Words are nothing but wind.
bunker time: y1, d279, glowtide, loneliness, plague
I was supposed to be there with the rest of you, and then a plague happened, and I know it's the least important possible thing to be upset about here but still.
bunker time: y1, d279, glowtide, loneliness, the obvious dangerous implication is not true, seeming non-sequitur
German surely has a word for that thing that cats and other small colonial predators sometimes do where they go hide somewhere to die.
bunker time: y1, d279, not exclusviely glowtide, mh(-)
me: I must offer something of value to this community I feel myself to be at the edges of, so that they will not reject me
also me: I will never be fully sure whether I am accepted in this community that I feel myself to be at the edges of because of the thing of value I brought, why does this keep happening to me
bunker time: y1, d279, not exclusviely glowtide, mh(-)
... you don't need to Bring Value, value exchange honestly isn't the point.
bunker time: y1, d279, glowtide, woo, mh(-)
tbh I'm kinda hoping we fail tonight and the sun just doesn't come back
wouldn't fimbulwinter just be the cherry on top of this shit sundae of a year
(which will still be the best year in the next decade)
bunker time: y1, d279, mh (-)
why can't I trust that people like me
bunker time: y1, d279, mh (-)
@lorxus /because brains/.
*growls at your brain, touches noses gently* 🧡
bunker time: y1, d279, mh (-)
ffs I have a crush on someone and I'm half-convinced that they barely tolerate me
bunker time: y1, d279, glowtide, food, drugs
anyway now I have potpie and also pot
bunker time: y1, d280, timekeeping
Seven quarantines, and today is the solstice.
bunker time: y1, d280, mh (~), social/romantic
It occurs to me all of a sudden that all this worry I feel, all these games I end up half-consciously playing around how long to wait until responding and micro-positioning around power dynamics and trying to pretend I need the other person less than they need me -
that these things are likely totally unnecessary and the other person doesn't even realize that they're going on, and that if I were ever actually justified in doing these things, that that's a relationship I probably don't want to be in to start with.
bunker time: y1, d280, mh (~), social/romantic
Anyway I guess what I'm saying is I'm kind of an anxious mess and if I've reached out to you to say I have a crush on you that that was a massive effort of will and also headpats pls.
re: bunker time: y1, d280, mh (~), social/romantic
@lorxus :soft headpats for a good fox:
re: bunker time: y1, d280, mh (~), social/romantic
@starkatt u///u;
re: bunker time: y1, d280, mh (~), social/romantic
@starkatt (thank you)
bunker time: y1, d281, mh (-), social
oh good now I get to struggle with rejection sensitivity and then subsequent anxiety again with respect to the group I'm slowly joining, cool and good
bunker time: y1, d281, mh (-), social
why did I think that they actually liked me
bunker time: y1, d288
Suddenly, snow.
bunker time: y1, d290, reflections on the past gregorian year
This year, what did I get done? What did I achieve?
1. I survived. I lived through a literal fucking plague.
2. I finally saw what might be this nation's fever breaking, if even a little bit - direct action on the one hand, and electoralist bleed-stopping on the other.
3. I passed my quals in algebra and geometry with flying colors. I got a rerun of the Forty Days of Hell, and I won.
4. I finally managed to get in touch with local mental health services.
5. I kept my tiny experiment in macroeconomics running (again, *through a plague.*)
5'. (More on that here: lorx.us/favor )
6. I bought a first firearm, and have been teaching myself to shoot long(ish)-range. I'm still decently good at it, after all these years; thank muscle memory, I suppose.
7. I applied to about 50 postdoc math programs.
8. I helped out with local mutual aid efforts and jail support (again, DURING A PLAGUE) more than a few times, both materially and with labor.
9. Colossal successes in [Unspecified Project 3] through predictive skill and access to [unspecified resource] permitting generous aid.
bunker time: y1, d290, reflections on the past gregorian year
10. I came to conceptualize mathematical research, academic pursuits, and other personal pursuits as *literal* pursuits; that is, hunting abstractions.
11. I taught several friends to hunt basic algebra and calculus.
12. I turned 27; again, IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORLDWIDE PLAGUE. I didn't fully expect to make it this far.
13. I won the Little Drummer Boy Game! 9 hours to go on the bonus round.
14. I kept my own plague calendar and covid statistics tracking.
14'.) The calendar (BLaRTS) is defined to have Bunker Time Day 1 as March 17; right now is Year 1, Day 290. More finely, right now as I type this is BLaRTS T+24,985,000 - the time since 2020/3/17, UTC 22:00.
The plague stats are here: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14X18mvs9dlsg9rnihnd8Vi6cMNesOkcp3AXV2epZWUQ/edit#gid=971024186
15. I put the finishing touches on my first original result (in geometric group theory, no less!).
Could I have done more? Certainly. But ultimately, hindsight is 2020.
bunker time: y1, d290, reflections on the past gregorian year
At any rate if at midnight we roll over back to January 1st 2020, you can count on me ruling the world by about April.
bunker time: y1, d290, reflections on the past gregorian year, death
Let us remember those who entropy has stolen from us this past year.
Let their names and their deeds live on in us.
Liang Wudong, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Li Wenliang, who is dead, but not forgotten.
David Graeber, who is dead, but not forgotten.
John Horton Conway, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Vaughan Jones, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Freeman Dyson, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Chuck Yeager, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Michael Hertz, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Ronald Lewis Graham, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Alex Trebek, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Shin Kyuk-ho, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Wes Wilson, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Yi Hae-won, who is dead, but not forgotten.
bunker time: y1, d290, reflections on the past gregorian year, death
Cullen Mahany, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Rick May, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Ahmaud Arbery, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Breonna Taylor, who is dead, but not forgotten.
George Floyd, who is dead, but not forgotten.
James Scurlock, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Krzysztof Penderecki, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Kim Yong-un, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Bernd Fischer, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Peter Borwein, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Bernard Stiegler, who is dead, but not forgotten.
Michael Darwin Morley, who is dead, but not forgotten.
George Robery Carruthers, who is dead, but not forgotten.
I don't believe there's anything after death, unless people make it, and we haven't yet. Accordingly, these people are permanently gone. It is now ours to remember them, and to continue their work.
bunker time: y1, t+25000000, timekeeping
As of a few hours ago, it is BLaRTS T+25 megaseconds of the bunker era.
bunker time: y1, d279, glowtide, loneliness, the obvious dangerous implication is not true
Sometimes I wonder how long it would take for anyone to actually notice if I just vanished suddenly.