Pinned post

just posted a followers-only post about my recovery from a really dark place.

if any ally or peer or other safe people "like", or "favorite", or even interact with this and wants to see my follower-only posts, I'm willing to share my forbidden knowledge.

I'm gating it behind the "follower-only" privacy setting because I don't need to share this with the world.

it's for me.

it's personal.

it's intimate.

sometimes intimate, personal things are just too precious to share with total strangers.

even beautiful things sometimes need to be kept special.

if you want to see the forbidden knowledge, just be aware that not all of it is dark.

some of it is beautiful. and tagged:

(MH+)

I'm also tagging:

(MH~)

and also tagging:

(MH-)

probably going to talk about this stuff in therapy today...

... because that's literally today:

my session at the clinic is today.

I have a pretty heckin' good clinic which helps people with PTSD and DID, and they're 100% supportive of healthy, safe medical cannabis and so-called "high-risk" benzo medications a safe & responsible way to help with my symptom management.

also my support groups are absolutely amazing.

today is going to be amazing.

😻

Pinned post

polyamory, personal love life, beauty and happiness, MH(+) 

In the past 90 days or so, came to the realization how important polyamory and compersion is for our own spiritual, psychological, and emotional needs... "our" in the sense of like system / DID / plural

point is, we collared our system, and it's probably going to be for rest of our life.

didn't plan it out that way just kinda of happened. opting for the whole like ~ gonna do poly in a healthy way which is personally fulfilling, because letting that be compromised by anyone else's polyweb / polycule stuff if there was never a mutual decision to structure as a closed poly structure... IDK, just not down with it.

almost like relationship anarchy or something, because hierarchical relationship stuff can fuck off, and I'm trying to be really honest with myself about how averse and even unhealthy I am with things like "primary partner" as a structure in my life.

I just like, can't deal with bad communication dynamics and structures in my love life, by which I mean:

"copying monogamist ideas and applying them to polyamory"

~ srsly, just feels to me like what "primary partner" means as a concept.

not judging it unfavorably for others, just opting out because I'm like married / collared to myself now because I super need to be, I guess?

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:over18: slutty warning / BOILERPLATE 

:over18: openly sexual / slutty / affectionate on main... srsly:

18+ / 21+ / adult content which may be unsuitable in your culture for viewing by minors is going to show up on my feed, but I usually tag.

I try my best, but for now what I mean by trying my best is that I'm including this particular warning, and pointing out rather verbosely that there's a lot of topics which I talk openly about might be forbidden knowledge in general for people of any age, but this is definitely going to include so-called "adult" content so please act accordingly.

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our #introductions / #introduction was stale 

maybe it was stale, or maybe the previous / post didn't exist.

either way, pretty sure we were using singular I/me/my personal pronouns instead of sometimes mixing for grammatical reasons when it makes more sense to use plural we/us/our personal pronouns.

either way, singular she/her, or neopronouns please because we don't let anyone call us they/them because there's some complicated dysphoria, and even a bit of trauma.

gender's weird, and yes we're totally a system. DID, treatment, weird PTSD and triggers, etc. etc. etc.

mostly well-managed though. got a good treatment team lately and now we're merely weird instead of sometimes being outright unbearable and kind of awful to be around.

sorry about that, to anyone who knows what it used to be like. we really needed the damn treatment O_O

so yeah, we're a bunch of cats, mostly. a few non-cats (more than zero fennecs, for example), and the instance has been our fedi home since we first connected with fedi / mastodon stuff years ago.

my [our shared] legal name is our system name:

kuzetsa CatSwarm, but we prefer kuza for short please.

very queer, loving, poly, but polysaturated for the first time ever. unexpected, but it finally happened:

hot girl shit

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Forbidden knowledge warning 

Trying to be less culturally reckless with how open I am about stuff, and for today as I'm writing this message that means giving people a heads up in my bio.

I don't know what knowledge is forbidden in your culture, but I at least tag anything lewd, and/or content which seems plausibly triggery even if not everyone will find it difficult to interact with.

Also, sometimes the tags are just there for flavor because I'm like that sometimes. Use your judgement if you're not sure because sometimes it's more intense than you'd expect but I tag things wrong sometimes.

[emphasis]
trying my best, but I have lived a complicated life, and a lot of the topics which I discuss openly aren't universally suitable for all audiences 100% of the time.

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privacy / deleting posts 

Exactly what the CW says.

This particular public-facing microblogging-flavored account is partly for participating in discussions with folks who have similar experiences, along with a bit of advocacy and visibility for the benefit of folks who are in a similar situation.

I'm not always willing to archive posts indefinitely, especially in cases when it isn't 100% safe for me to leave semi-private information out there, publicly visible, and indexable by search engines.

There's some complicated reasons to keep, and plenty of straightforward reasons to delete semi-private info. Basically that's all there is to it ~ I've cleaned out some old posts, and this is neither the first nor the last time that I'll be doing stuff like this.

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[thread] hormone mentions / intersex / medical / gender: roles, identity, presentation, euphoria & dysphoria 

[repost: deleted original / fixed typo]

I finally depleted the meaningful search space today, so as far as I'm concerned, it's 100% verified:

my brain really works better with "estrogen levels in normal female range", rather than "low / microdosing levels of estrogen".

it's likely going to have some health benefits (not limited to bone density and improved emotional / psychological health), but as far as my identity goes it really doesn't mean anything...

...except it means everything for folks who get caught up on labels and binary expectations, or folks who outright gatekeep identities & experiences, etc.

I've internalized an amount of that, and it feels like a complicated flavor of dysphoric invalidation BECAUSE I know my mood is better.

[context] ~ finally got the proper prescription filled for the new dosage / won't be doing any more microdosing now that I know it's working so well for my emotional health.

ironically, it's also euphoric for the same reason it's dysphoric:

gender euphoria knowing that part of the weirdness in my identity is likely from having naturally broken hormone levels.

my gender presentation / role isn't going to change since the only thing to change was improving my health.

Pinned post

intersex, stigma, visibility 

In much of the public intersex discourse & advocacy, the same words are repeated and parroted ad nauseam, every time, always the same:

["wait until folks are old enough to decide for themselves..."]

dot dot dot

[...] but then there's zero followup.

Education:

1. There needs to be more training and education for doctors and family (parents & guardians).

2. In many communities, young folks don't have access to a comprehensive, intersex-inclusive sex education curriculum.

3. There aren't many community elders openly talking about their experiences growing up & sexually maturing as an intersex person.

Here's my own take.

It's not just anatomy:

["wait until folks are old enough to decide for themselves"]

~ fuck that noise ~

Like seriously, genitals aren't even the main thing, it's just a symptom you can spot early-on, and in most cases it just gets ignored:

"so long as urine can exit".

There's almost always a difference in psychological / emotional development, as well as the differences in puberty, fertility, social aspects of living in a world where there isn't much awareness, etc. etc. etc.

And on top of that, whenever folks are deemed: ["old enough to decide for themselves"]

The protocols are for transgender folks. There's almost zero awareness of intersex healthcare needs.

lewd-adjacent / kink / related to BDSM / data science & plurality mention [non-singlet stuff] 

Did some light number crunching based on the data our system has gathered over the past few years since we began to track this kind of thing.

Our "kink" orientation is definitely non-vanilla, on average, but apparently there's a lot of us who are switches ~ switching in the non-kink sense, only to end up with a different kink orientation sure is a thing.

plurality isn't kinky or lewd it just affects literally everything about our life. including this, apparently.

Either way, here's some data.

We're pretty confident that "polysaturated" is still a term which applies, but the underlying non-monogamist way of thinking constantly shows up as 24/7/365 polyamorous because zero folks in our system think monogamy makes any freakin' sense as a way of loving and/or expressing or otherwise having an outlet for various physical needs.

Okay enough chatter, here's a bunch of data, sorted by the statistically median value from most to least common kink orientations in our system O_O

kink; lewd; results from bdsmtest.org 

== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
100% Exhibitionist
100% Switch
100% Non-monogamist
99% Sadist
96% Rope bunny
95% Masochist
95% Primal (Hunter)
93% Boy/Girl
93% Experimentalist
90% Daddy/Mommy
88% Owner
87% Brat
87% Rigger
86% Pet
85% Primal (Prey)
85% Submissive
81% Dominant
81% Brat tamer
79% Slave
76% Master/Mistress
76% Degrader
75% Degradee
66% Ageplayer
63% Voyeur
13% Vanilla

[ forgot to save the results URL ]

Show thread

(MH+) srsly tho, positive 

[making this post publicly]

at least I know that shit that gave me a breakdown a few years ago wasn't an isolated incident.

feels fucked up knowing other people were impacted, but at least I know now that it wasn't a strictly personal conflict on my end.

some folks really are bad news, but do a really good job seeming safe and keeping up appearances.

moving on with my life and finding safer spaces to have social and professional interactions is cool AF though.

also my therapist today literally described me as stable. what in the fuck even is that?

I really am the most stable I've ever been in my entire goddamn 40 fucking year long life.

bonus silver lining:

I'm in a position to help some of the other victims who dealt with that crap, and it's kind of mind-blowing how positive this is to realize I'm doing well enough to help facilitate and moderate and do administrative stuff for support groups again, and even know more about how to keep communities safe, and what red flags to look out for, etc.

a fucking medical student the other day suggested I should be a mentor for people, and apparently I'm talking with a close friend right now about getting some help for some difficult issues, and it's really neat to be able to do some good for people who deserve help.

minor medical details / post-procedure recovery day 

I'm wiped / exhausted / feel like going to bed shortly because that was more intense and scary than I expected.

even with the powerful anxiety meds ~ like stuff too strong to drive while I was on it, my heartrate was still significantly elevated and kind of sketch.

I think today / the rest of this evening is a recovery day, and tomorrow I have therapy so there's a chance I'll be tired after that too.

MH+, DID treatment / referral, with extremely brief mention of past abuse but no details. 

Total surprise but I just had a social worker today put me on the waiting list to get properly evaluated so that my insurance will cover a more qualified specialist.

I broke down crying tears of relief.

There's a waiting list of several months, but at least I just got past another systemic / institutional barrier to accessing treatment under this particular healthcare system.

I think it's naptime though.

Like I went from being stressed the past few days worrying about something unrelated, to finding out that the exam I was terrified of wasn't even required after all and I just talked with a social worker instead.

This social worker has historically been really amazing. I'm so confident that my treatment is on track at this point that setbacks worse than a minor inconvenience or 1-2 year waiting list for certain things is probably the worst I'll have to contend with in the future.

Definitely not worried about medical gaslighting or misdiagnosis, or hasty decisions made by unqualified professionals who wanted to pass me off onto a hospital to be abused some more rather than helped

[yes, that's happened before and no I'm not going into details]

I'm literally past the worst of it.

Heck. Needed this.

heckin' botsin.space is full of such good critters, aggregated from such good bots. mostly birdsite, but it's okay because that's one of my favorite things on birdsite: cute animal pics on my timeline when I'm having a rough day and might otherwise doomscroll for more than 10 seconds between cutes.

back pain, gender, top dysphoria 

Back to feeling super annoyed that wearing a bra instantly helped with back pain now that we're doing it again.

Also, back to realizing exactly why we often go without a bra: the top dysphoria of wearing a reminder of how much endowment we have for tiddy weight is powerful AF...

... like some really strong transmasc-adjacent top dysphoria, which is mixing weird with the realization that we've been slowly working toward he/him pronouns for the system for many many years at this point, since long before we were on fedi, or even out about being a system.

Oh well. The support helps. Reliably having a path which is correlated to less back pain is a silver lining to all these weird feelings and top dysphoria.

public relationship remarks, personal remarks about dating as a system, including namedrop 

@Elizafox it's pretty obvious that some of our alters get along, but feels weird to find out there such a strong clash between enough of them to be a possible dealbreaker.

just publicly stating that system / alter accountability is important to us, even when a trigger hurts us badly.

I'm sorry for the mutually strong, red flag level reaction from having a nonzero number of protector alters [presumably] looking out for our respective system's interests in a way that led to feeling like accountability might be impossible to work out.

It's definitely worrisome to know that continued contact could be problematic in the future if there are folks in your system who are unapologetically triggery with regards to one of our most severe triggers, and completely unapologetic about protecting your system when faced with an uncivil protective reflex in response to us having our own boundaries badly violated.

Definitely not happy with how many of us are being impacted in our respective systems, and fear that your internal conflict about this could be as painful as our own.

This hurt us.

It hurt us a lot.

Not sure if today's follower-only MH(~) thread is going to get a 4th post or not.

It's follower-only, and forbidden knowledge for a reason: I don't want people to accidentally see it.

like ever.

Strangers asking about my trauma, or even my recovery wouldn't be guaranteed to be safe.

Taking a self-care break to finish my morning routine.

I might not be on fedi the rest of today. Anyone who has non-fedi contact info is welcome to reach out though.

You were trusted with that contact info because you're trustworthy.

You can reach out at any time.

Really.

just posted a followers-only post about my recovery from a really dark place.

if any ally or peer or other safe people "like", or "favorite", or even interact with this and wants to see my follower-only posts, I'm willing to share my forbidden knowledge.

I'm gating it behind the "follower-only" privacy setting because I don't need to share this with the world.

it's for me.

it's personal.

it's intimate.

sometimes intimate, personal things are just too precious to share with total strangers.

even beautiful things sometimes need to be kept special.

if you want to see the forbidden knowledge, just be aware that not all of it is dark.

some of it is beautiful. and tagged:

(MH+)

I'm also tagging:

(MH~)

and also tagging:

(MH-)

probably going to talk about this stuff in therapy today...

... because that's literally today:

my session at the clinic is today.

I have a pretty heckin' good clinic which helps people with PTSD and DID, and they're 100% supportive of healthy, safe medical cannabis and so-called "high-risk" benzo medications a safe & responsible way to help with my symptom management.

also my support groups are absolutely amazing.

today is going to be amazing.

😻

painsomnia, swear words, vent(-) 

shower helped, and I'm in the middle of self-care but also crying for reasons unrelated to the pain or medical stuff.

I might be taking a break from fedi, actually.

Show thread

(MH-), reference / how to block TOPICS 

@Ambassador posting for reference, because yikes I just did something drastic because I'm mostly using fedi for

@hourlyfoxbot and other non-triggery bots which aren't going to trigger me.

Show thread

(MH-), triggered by a bot / cancelling for self-care 

@Ambassador receipts on this bot-induced shitty start to an already shitty day.

twitter.com/kuzetsa/status/132

Show thread

(MH-), triggered by a bot / cancelling for self-care 

@Ambassador bot just posted something really triggery that I never even knew was a thing with someone...

... or maybe it was a thing all along and just never came up.

... or for all I know, my DID is a fuck and the amnesia is a fuck, and someone just forgot it's a massive trigger for me to engage with that sort of thing or even see it.

In the meantime, I need to figure out how blocks work because on bird platform I can block topics and I have no idea if it's a thing here or not.

For now, had to cancel someone on literally zero notice because they were basically dark and not talking to us already and @Ambassador bot just randomly decided out of nowhere to post something which I need to know how to block at the topic / keyword level because I didn't even know anyone I knew on fedi was into that stuff.

Hard fucking limit.

Like even to mention, even when it involves someone other than me.

Hell fucking no.

I'm already struggling too much to deal with bot-induced triggers from people who aren't even talking to me lately.

painsomnia, swear words, vent(-) 

and waking up in pain.

fucking hate this so much.

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