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privacy / deleting posts 

Exactly what the CW says.

This particular public-facing microblogging-flavored account is partly for participating in discussions with folks who have similar experiences, along with a bit of advocacy and visibility for the benefit of folks who are in a similar situation.

I'm not always willing to archive posts indefinitely, especially in cases when it isn't 100% safe for me to leave semi-private information out there, publicly visible, and indexable by search engines.

There's some complicated reasons to keep, and plenty of straightforward reasons to delete semi-private info. Basically that's all there is to it ~ I've cleaned out some old posts, and this is neither the first nor the last time that I'll be doing stuff like this.

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[thread] hormone mentions / intersex / medical / gender: roles, identity, presentation, euphoria & dysphoria 

[repost: deleted original / fixed typo]

I finally depleted the meaningful search space today, so as far as I'm concerned, it's 100% verified:

my brain really works better with "estrogen levels in normal female range", rather than "low / microdosing levels of estrogen".

it's likely going to have some health benefits (not limited to bone density and improved emotional / psychological health), but as far as my identity goes it really doesn't mean anything...

...except it means everything for folks who get caught up on labels and binary expectations, or folks who outright gatekeep identities & experiences, etc.

I've internalized an amount of that, and it feels like a complicated flavor of dysphoric invalidation BECAUSE I know my mood is better.

[context] ~ finally got the proper prescription filled for the new dosage / won't be doing any more microdosing now that I know it's working so well for my emotional health.

ironically, it's also euphoric for the same reason it's dysphoric:

gender euphoria knowing that part of the weirdness in my identity is likely from having naturally broken hormone levels.

my gender presentation / role isn't going to change since the only thing to change was improving my health.

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intersex, stigma, visibility 

In much of the public intersex discourse & advocacy, the same words are repeated and parroted ad nauseam, every time, always the same:

["wait until folks are old enough to decide for themselves..."]

dot dot dot

[...] but then there's zero followup.


1. There needs to be more training and education for doctors and family (parents & guardians).

2. In many communities, young folks don't have access to a comprehensive, intersex-inclusive sex education curriculum.

3. There aren't many community elders openly talking about their experiences growing up & sexually maturing as an intersex person.

Here's my own take.

It's not just anatomy:

["wait until folks are old enough to decide for themselves"]

~ fuck that noise ~

Like seriously, genitals aren't even the main thing, it's just a symptom you can spot early-on, and in most cases it just gets ignored:

"so long as urine can exit".

There's almost always a difference in psychological / emotional development, as well as the differences in puberty, fertility, social aspects of living in a world where there isn't much awareness, etc. etc. etc.

And on top of that, whenever folks are deemed: ["old enough to decide for themselves"]

The protocols are for transgender folks. There's almost zero awareness of intersex healthcare needs.


i submit, for your consideration:


them i'd like to fuck

intersex problems, genital surgery, dysphoria 

[in]conveniently it's dysphoric anyway so I won't bother with repair because there's a high risk of complications and lots of folks need revisions, so like... there's a joke: "tuck everlasting", except I don't even want vaginoplasty just something cosmetically less bulge-tastic which won't hurt to pee any more because this level of pain is unreasonable.

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intersex problems, genital mention, vulgarity 

I fucking hate this. it used to only happen 2-3 times per decade but at this point it's been 3 times in less than 12 months. my super abnormal dick-shaped bits are bleeding because the malformed urethra tore again and it hurts to pee and it's annoying as hell to wear a pantiliner to catch gross seeping nonsense until it heals up again.

nightmares, naps, and PTSD 

guess I'm gonna be napping again later today. waking up with nightmares and only getting like 4 hours sleep is heckin' annoying and I wish my brain would stop. blah this is rubbish.

tiddy meta / body stuff: heck? 

wearing a bra because I have so much tiddy that it hurts my back if I don't wear one, I've come to realize that being curvy, or even if I was curvier than I already am just might be something I'm 100% fine with. took some getting used to, but I guess this is fine. yeah, it's fine. big tiddy is an acceptable ... uh, grammar ~ [heck?]

anticistamines / hormone stuff 

srsly tho: it took nearly 3 full weeks to get my prescription sorted following the labwork on September 3rd of this year. but hey, at least having 10 doses will last for like 5 months since it's every 2 weeks and it's not like I need levels checked that often once it's stable.

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access barriers / american healthcare / swear word 

well heck, somehow it decided to sort itself out?

there was yet another barrier involved so I had my nestmate / husband handle the phone call, but I guess my medication change is going through after all...

... took more than 6 months, and honestly worth it but I hate that these kinds of delays and barriers are such a thing.

american healthcare is a fuck.

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private insurance / private healthcare / access barriers 

I've been trying since like january to sort out my meds and ran into multiple consecutive delays / slow-downs for several consecutive days. at this point it spanned the weekend and then first thing on monday was yet another text notification that I yet have another delay. I doubt throwing more money at it would even help.

migraine mention, warm cozy bed stuff, affection, purr 

above average level of migraine fog / brain fog and I just want to cuddle up in bed and rub my face on a cutie like a kitty cat and purr

I'm at that point in my career where I've taken a job that isn't anywhere near software development, because after almost 2 years of trying to get back into the game, I've been hearing the exact same thing from the exact same types of white people.

So now comes the critical juncture: I can either bust my ass harder than ever to get back into the industry (which is gonna require little to no sleep and potentially jeopardizing my health): or, stay in Menial Job Limbo and accept the fact that white people dont want blacks in their industry.

trump mention, NRA mention, legal analysis, case law: I'm laughing so hard 

okay, so this is amazing: there's case law for closing down a corrupt charity, and it's apparently that the trump foundation was legally able to be shut down for corruption reasons and that's currently the legal precident being cited to take down the NRA ~

DID, plurality, body image, curves, gender or something? 

Relatedly, I really miss having a psychological / emotional connection to my body & curves and knowing what things are supposed to look like, and actually recognizing myself in photos, or in the mirror. A lot of us [in the system] have been VERY confused by changes which happened as a teen, as well as later as an adult. Body age is nearly 40.

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back pain, breast support, health 

Sorta confused by how well this size of bra actually fits. The numbers / cup size seems wrong even though measurements are accurate, and the support is good. I'm skeptical but still hopeful that actaully wearing a properly fitting bra for support could help with my chronic back pain though. Common sense says an E cup (AKA size DD in some countries) needs support.

boob update: less of a shitpost 

So uh... I guess I wear a 38DD, AKA 38E now because it's the sister size for the bra size which I actually needed but wasn't in stock. Technically they did have 40D, but only in colors and styles I hate (they weren't completely out of 40D, but I really hate red bras, ones with lace, or push-up bras to enhance cleavage) I guess "sister size" mean 2 bras can be a slightly different fit, but use the same size underwire, and contain the same volume of tiddy.

It's probably a good thing that the size 38 band size is a little tight since eventually I always wear out the band and it starts to get looser and provide less support unless I use the adjustment thinger to tighten the fit across my back / around the underbust where the band goes.

Source / info about "sister size" bras:

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boob shitpost / silly yelling 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa tiddy warm & soft wowowowowowowowow!!!

lewd? I guess? oops!!! accidentally phallic object. 

technically I guess it's not flame-polishing / flame-fusing since I used an electric heat gun rather than a blowtorch, but this post was about the accidental dongs not the science.

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lewd? I guess? oops!!! accidentally phallic object. 

like seriously, I just accidentally made two very dildo-shaped objects for a plumbing project for my shrimpkeeping setup, and I can't stop grinning at the outcome.

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lewd? I guess? oops!!! accidentally phallic object. 

Today I discovered that rolling the corners in and melting / flame-fusing the plastic until it forms a seal can result in phallic shapes. Totally unintentional, but plastic just behaves differently enough compared to glass pipe to make "ampule" sealing technique with plastic look far more phallic than anticipated.

fedi is where the cats go meow and the wolves go awoo

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