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:over18: slutty warning / BOILERPLATE 

:over18: openly sexual / slutty / affectionate on main... srsly:

18+ / 21+ / adult content which may be unsuitable in your culture for viewing by minors is going to show up on my feed, but I usually tag.

I try my best, but for now what I mean by trying my best is that I'm including this particular warning, and pointing out rather verbosely that there's a lot of topics which I talk openly about might be forbidden knowledge in general for people of any age, but this is definitely going to include so-called "adult" content so please act accordingly.

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polysaturation / numbers & metrics / unapologetic, shameless, proudly slutty stuff 

ok, so just... because some folks really don't know how slutty I really am, I've decided on the number.

it's 50

I'm going to cull back the number of folks in my life to like the 50 or so who I'm most close to, even if only some smaller percentage (less than 50) are ever likely to see me naked, and/or touch my body in the fun way.

the number who I've ever been sexually intimate, or could see that possibly happening with is probably 20 or fewer, but I'm far less sure about than than 50.

I'm setting a hard limit at 50.

I'm a cuddleslut though. I'm barely fluid bound with 2, and only considering like a small-ish number of people who I might be comfortable exploring that with if it seemed mutually acceptable and the risks were well understood.

there's dozens of people in my life who I love, and would openly cuddle. Are they partners? no, certainly not all of them... but that's entirely a matter of preference.

It's not a word that has much meaning to me, though usually when I have a talk with someone about what the word means, we're on a level where we can accept each other as-is, and openly talk about such things and that feels really nice even if partner is just a word on its own without any real connection.

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our #introductions / #introduction was stale 

maybe it was stale, or maybe the previous / post didn't exist.

either way, pretty sure we were using singular I/me/my personal pronouns instead of sometimes mixing for grammatical reasons when it makes more sense to use plural we/us/our personal pronouns.

either way, singular she/her, or neopronouns please because we don't let anyone call us they/them because there's some complicated dysphoria, and even a bit of trauma.

gender's weird, and yes we're totally a system. DID, treatment, weird PTSD and triggers, etc. etc. etc.

mostly well-managed though. got a good treatment team lately and now we're merely weird instead of sometimes being outright unbearable and kind of awful to be around.

sorry about that, to anyone who knows what it used to be like. we really needed the damn treatment O_O

so yeah, we're a bunch of cats, mostly. a few non-cats (more than zero fennecs, for example), and the instance has been our fedi home since we first connected with fedi / mastodon stuff years ago.

my [our shared] legal name is our system name:

kuzetsa CatSwarm, but we prefer kuza for short please.

very queer, loving, poly, but polysaturated for the first time ever. unexpected, but it finally happened:

hot girl shit

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Forbidden knowledge warning 

Trying to be less culturally reckless with how open I am about stuff, and for today as I'm writing this message that means giving people a heads up in my bio.

I don't know what knowledge is forbidden in your culture, but I at least tag anything lewd, and/or content which seems plausibly triggery even if not everyone will find it difficult to interact with.

Also, sometimes the tags are just there for flavor because I'm like that sometimes. Use your judgement if you're not sure because sometimes it's more intense than you'd expect but I tag things wrong sometimes.

[emphasis]
trying my best, but I have lived a complicated life, and a lot of the topics which I discuss openly aren't universally suitable for all audiences 100% of the time.

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intersex healthcare. confused doctors. they put something weird in my chart again. 

Used the patient portal for something unrelated to my genitals, and happened to spot a code nobody ever stuck in my chart before ~ apparently, I have been diagnosed with: ["Congenital absence of cervix"], but it's someone who's never once discussed my genitals / anatomy with me, nor ordered tests for such things.

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privacy / deleting posts 

Exactly what the CW says.

This particular public-facing microblogging-flavored account is partly for participating in discussions with folks who have similar experiences, along with a bit of advocacy and visibility for the benefit of folks who are in a similar situation.

I'm not always willing to archive posts indefinitely, especially in cases when it isn't 100% safe for me to leave semi-private information out there, publicly visible, and indexable by search engines.

There's some complicated reasons to keep, and plenty of straightforward reasons to delete semi-private info. Basically that's all there is to it ~ I've cleaned out some old posts, and this is neither the first nor the last time that I'll be doing stuff like this.

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[thread] hormone mentions / intersex / medical / gender: roles, identity, presentation, euphoria & dysphoria 

[repost: deleted original / fixed typo]

I finally depleted the meaningful search space today, so as far as I'm concerned, it's 100% verified:

my brain really works better with "estrogen levels in normal female range", rather than "low / microdosing levels of estrogen".

it's likely going to have some health benefits (not limited to bone density and improved emotional / psychological health), but as far as my identity goes it really doesn't mean anything...

...except it means everything for folks who get caught up on labels and binary expectations, or folks who outright gatekeep identities & experiences, etc.

I've internalized an amount of that, and it feels like a complicated flavor of dysphoric invalidation BECAUSE I know my mood is better.

[context] ~ finally got the proper prescription filled for the new dosage / won't be doing any more microdosing now that I know it's working so well for my emotional health.

ironically, it's also euphoric for the same reason it's dysphoric:

gender euphoria knowing that part of the weirdness in my identity is likely from having naturally broken hormone levels.

my gender presentation / role isn't going to change since the only thing to change was improving my health.

Pinned post

intersex, stigma, visibility 

In much of the public intersex discourse & advocacy, the same words are repeated and parroted ad nauseam, every time, always the same:

["wait until folks are old enough to decide for themselves..."]

dot dot dot

[...] but then there's zero followup.

Education:

1. There needs to be more training and education for doctors and family (parents & guardians).

2. In many communities, young folks don't have access to a comprehensive, intersex-inclusive sex education curriculum.

3. There aren't many community elders openly talking about their experiences growing up & sexually maturing as an intersex person.

Here's my own take.

It's not just anatomy:

["wait until folks are old enough to decide for themselves"]

~ fuck that noise ~

Like seriously, genitals aren't even the main thing, it's just a symptom you can spot early-on, and in most cases it just gets ignored:

"so long as urine can exit".

There's almost always a difference in psychological / emotional development, as well as the differences in puberty, fertility, social aspects of living in a world where there isn't much awareness, etc. etc. etc.

And on top of that, whenever folks are deemed: ["old enough to decide for themselves"]

The protocols are for transgender folks. There's almost zero awareness of intersex healthcare needs.

:over18: slutty warning / BOILERPLATE 

:over18: openly sexual / slutty / affectionate on main... srsly:

18+ / 21+ / adult content which may be unsuitable in your culture for viewing by minors is going to show up on my feed, but I usually tag.

I try my best, but for now what I mean by trying my best is that I'm including this particular warning, and pointing out rather verbosely that there's a lot of topics which I talk openly about might be forbidden knowledge in general for people of any age, but this is definitely going to include so-called "adult" content so please act accordingly.

Show thread

slutty warning 

just realized I should pin a post about being openly sexual / slutty / affectionate on main, and add it to the top of bio.

having a moment right now, in fact.

mention of kiwi farms [negative] 

I'm going back to bed.

I think I just saw that KF may have had a hand in ... I'm honestly unsurprised that what I just saw may have been inspired by KF, and I'm not going to let it get into my head but I will say that if you happen to be looking in KF, note that I'm not the only marginalized person who has been harassed by the KF community for sport.

There's content of mine which was posted to KF with zero regard for my dignity or consent. I don't read it for emotional self-care any more, so if anyone finds stuff of mine posted on KF please don't even tell me. I don't want to risk that we'll see what got posted this time ~ and yes, I really do mean this time.

I'm not letting it get in my head again. not tonight. I have important hot girl shit in a few hours and I'm not going to let KF fuck with my peace of mind again tonight ~ and yes, I really do mean again.

fuck KF in particular.

good night.

graphic, explicit descriptions of dysphoria, ranting, anatomy, blood mention, intersex problems 

oww fuck bloody fucking fuck.

my perineum is being rude and getting blood everywhere and I can't easily get a liner or pad or anything into the right position because the contours don't fit right because of my exact shape in the area.

this needs to stop its gross and I feel really ... uhg I wish biology was more rigidly designed instead of a bimodal distribution, specifically when it comes to intersex bodies which are technically healthy but also not 100% complication-free

I swear to god, normal fucking genitals and never having blood come out of anywhere unpredictable would be just amazing. like even heavy flow and far worse cramps and pain would be a tradeoff I'd take.

or hell, just like ordinary girldick problems like mundane erectile defunction without some of the complications I get when atrophy sets in and the tissue can no longer handle stretching if I get a proper erection can cause pain and possibly rip my urethra apart and that can bleed instead?

my junk needs to stop coming up with new places to bleed.

this is rude. I like seriously want bottom surgery just to reduce how many weird places I'm able to bleed from, and be able to pee straight. like I want intersex-specific correction.

polysaturation / numbers & metrics / unapologetic, shameless, proudly slutty stuff 

ok, so just... because some folks really don't know how slutty I really am, I've decided on the number.

it's 50

I'm going to cull back the number of folks in my life to like the 50 or so who I'm most close to, even if only some smaller percentage (less than 50) are ever likely to see me naked, and/or touch my body in the fun way.

the number who I've ever been sexually intimate, or could see that possibly happening with is probably 20 or fewer, but I'm far less sure about than than 50.

I'm setting a hard limit at 50.

I'm a cuddleslut though. I'm barely fluid bound with 2, and only considering like a small-ish number of people who I might be comfortable exploring that with if it seemed mutually acceptable and the risks were well understood.

there's dozens of people in my life who I love, and would openly cuddle. Are they partners? no, certainly not all of them... but that's entirely a matter of preference.

It's not a word that has much meaning to me, though usually when I have a talk with someone about what the word means, we're on a level where we can accept each other as-is, and openly talk about such things and that feels really nice even if partner is just a word on its own without any real connection.

Show thread

our #introductions / #introduction was stale 

maybe it was stale, or maybe the previous / post didn't exist.

either way, pretty sure we were using singular I/me/my personal pronouns instead of sometimes mixing for grammatical reasons when it makes more sense to use plural we/us/our personal pronouns.

either way, singular she/her, or neopronouns please because we don't let anyone call us they/them because there's some complicated dysphoria, and even a bit of trauma.

gender's weird, and yes we're totally a system. DID, treatment, weird PTSD and triggers, etc. etc. etc.

mostly well-managed though. got a good treatment team lately and now we're merely weird instead of sometimes being outright unbearable and kind of awful to be around.

sorry about that, to anyone who knows what it used to be like. we really needed the damn treatment O_O

so yeah, we're a bunch of cats, mostly. a few non-cats (more than zero fennecs, for example), and the instance has been our fedi home since we first connected with fedi / mastodon stuff years ago.

my [our shared] legal name is our system name:

kuzetsa CatSwarm, but we prefer kuza for short please.

very queer, loving, poly, but polysaturated for the first time ever. unexpected, but it finally happened:

hot girl shit

selfie, visible facial hair, hot girl shit, visible collar [including collar meta remarks] 

technically hot enby but whatever, I [we] answer to girl it's fine we're queer like that. literally systemgender / systemfluid / neurogender so you can just deal with it sometimes we're outright masculine too.

queer system is queer, and also yes that's stubble / removing the facial hair is too much like work so sometimes we let it grow for a while and it's noticeable.

but yeah, felt cute and posted.

that collar just ... purr. missed wearing one soooooo much and had to just go for it for the sake of how lovely the nostalgia feels and the familiar sensation of it being on our neck.

it's so good.

lewd, lactation, explicit [shitpost? subtoot?] 

is lactation bukkake a thing?

[...] because it really should be

I was in the shower, bored, and realized it would be a good place to hang out and consensually spray some projectile lactation streams all over a thirsty partner who is into such things.

this is totally a subtoot.

more than zero people know I'm not kidding either. it's not a shitpost at all (oops)

polyamory, relationships, poly-related terminology 

not sure who coined the term, but sometimes it feels apt despite being a corny bit of wordplay:

polysaturated

I just realized less than 24 hours ago that I'm polysaturated, but the pandemic and all that distance and travel restrictions and border closures really messed up my sense of how to make things work out long-term in a stable, healthy way.

the wordplay / metaphor is based on the idea of having bonds stretched thinner in a saturated molycule / polycule or whatever.

in chemistry, for saturated VS unsaturated, the single bonds of hydrogen are taking up all of the possible sites to such an extent that double bonds in carbon chains start to turn into single bonds to make more room for more hydrogens and/or various invasive functional groups when things go rancid (nevermind the food science on that though)

basically, I hit my limit.

I'm really glad the folks who recently told me how they felt were all folks who I felt similarly about. It's been really good to have that sense of security and know that I really do love people who love me back.

I really needed this.

Only downside to being polysaturated is that I might be losing a relationship for completely unrelated reasons. I doubt I'll want anyone new in my life for a very long time.

WPATH approved list of genders

Actually yeah they would do that wouldn't they

Here's a decent article about conflicting access needs, when one disability's needs conflict with another (this is in the context of autism but it mentions other things). These can exist within the same person, in fact.

"The idea of making something fully accessible is attractive and I have come across policies (often but not always written by abled people) that aim to create inclusive and accessible environments by being prescriptive about what accessibility is. The intention is usually good, but the outcome is often that some disabled people have their needs and experiences erased. In the worst case scenarios this can result in the policies being weaponised against neurodivergent and disabled people who don’t fit into people’s idea of disability."

thinkingautismguide.com/2018/1

MH / health mentions / non-lewd upskirt vitals (pulseox) 

oh right, here's some non-lewd skin tho:

medical stuff. totally chaste but skin showing / skirt riding up wasn't really an issue. it's whatever, just gotta take my heart meds today.

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MH / health mentions / non-lewd upskirt vitals (pulseox) 

oh, skirt rode up I'd better post this one...

... also, work on grounding because pain, PTSD, DID, GAD are all flaring up and 124 BPM isn't our normal baseline, srsly.

dafuq, body can you chill please okay?

severe medical stuff / medical cannabis / side effects, including graphic description of side effects. 

there's a technical term:

"greyout"

sweating profusely (not swearing, but dripping wet with perspiration), greyout, and coughing an uncomfortable amount which is probably contributing to the greyout... in fact, as I'm typing this I'm curious.

mmm, yeah I sure do have a heart condition. tachycardia flareup absolutely accounts for why I'm trembling like a leaf.

Intermission: paused for some grounding methods, and checking vitals.

On the one hand, I've knocked my pain from worrisome and considering a hospital emergency room for triage, and possible inpatient treatment... dot dot dot

... so now it's absolutely manageable, and I just need to make sure I regulate my dosage better and don't trigger any of the severe side effects:

greyout, and triggering a flareup for my chronic health concerns.

I have a heart condition which is mostly well-managed, but as yet, partially undiagnosed. the symptoms are well documented.

I absolutely have textbook white coat syndrome, and it mixes with the PTSD / DID / GAD in a major way.

so yeah my heartrate was 130 just now.

I did not enjoy that.

my baseline heartrate at home with my current medications is normally between 70 and 85 BPM, not this nonsense.

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severe medical stuff / grumpy painsomnia vent / swearing. like a lot of swearing. 

I like super don't want to have to wake the nestmate up for this but I might need help with some triage and checks to figure out what's happening "tonight" ...

... it's bloody 7:40 AM, it's an all-nighter and I can't sleep with this pain fuckery. something is wrong.

fucking hell.

Show thread

severe medical stuff / grumpy painsomnia vent / swearing. like a lot of swearing. 

oww. fuck. stop it.

fuck this. fuck. fuck

[re: swearing] ~ srsly tho...

... on a scale of 0 to 10, I'm at a 9 right now. My pain is all that I can think about. I can barely talk or move because of the pain.

The description for 8 versus 9 are strikingly similar, but the distinction, while subtle, is where I start to rely on brain fuckery and dissociative coping to mitigate what would otherwise be a solid, unambiguous 9 if I didn't have dissociative... fuck

fuck

owwwwwwwwwwwww make is top fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I really don't need a 10 because I'm terrified of hospitals and can technically move and communicate and would prefer not to have a meltdown in a hospital with as much PTSD and other bullshit as I have, and how poorly I deal with being in clinical settings.

like my muscle spasms are guaranteed to push me to a 10 if I go to a hospital for this, and the white coat syndrome and preexisting health issues are very likely going to mean they keep me for longer than I'm willing to even consider.

I can move. it's not a 10. it just won't stop though, even with what I'm doing right now for pain management.

fuck this goddamn scary-ass bullshit I need to sleep. this is grim. I'm like really not okay tonight.

rant about unscientific testing, generic quiz-style "entertainment" tests, gender stuff 

This is definitely a wrong test because it says I have 103% gender, and that it's mostly female.

I really need to not poke these things they're always super annoying and full of uncomfortably biased questions and sometimes I get the impression that my socialization / social attitudes in life are femme-coded because based on which questions ...

... come to think of it, I'm realizing something else. Maybe my answers are negatively correlated to toxic masculinity.

Like really though, some of the questions really were asking stuff that I think nevermind I don't want to think about this too much it was a cognitohazard.

Heck, I should've known better and not poked that damn test. I know enough about methodology to know exactly which biases about myself it picked up on, but I still opted to answer honestly.

Whatever, I'm gay for non-men so it's probably fine. I even self-identify lesbian and use she/her pronouns and sit to pee so it's fine.

This if fine.

It's not but ... fuck.

I shouldn't get so worked up about it.

Gender's fucking hard, okay?

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