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privacy / deleting posts 

Exactly what the CW says.

This particular public-facing microblogging-flavored account is partly for participating in discussions with folks who have similar experiences, along with a bit of advocacy and visibility for the benefit of folks who are in a similar situation.

I'm not always willing to archive posts indefinitely, especially in cases when it isn't 100% safe for me to leave semi-private information out there, publicly visible, and indexable by search engines.

There's some complicated reasons to keep, and plenty of straightforward reasons to delete semi-private info. Basically that's all there is to it ~ I've cleaned out some old posts, and this is neither the first nor the last time that I'll be doing stuff like this.

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[thread] hormone mentions / intersex / medical / gender: roles, identity, presentation, euphoria & dysphoria 

[repost: deleted original / fixed typo]

I finally depleted the meaningful search space today, so as far as I'm concerned, it's 100% verified:

my brain really works better with "estrogen levels in normal female range", rather than "low / microdosing levels of estrogen".

it's likely going to have some health benefits (not limited to bone density and improved emotional / psychological health), but as far as my identity goes it really doesn't mean anything...

...except it means everything for folks who get caught up on labels and binary expectations, or folks who outright gatekeep identities & experiences, etc.

I've internalized an amount of that, and it feels like a complicated flavor of dysphoric invalidation BECAUSE I know my mood is better.

[context] ~ finally got the proper prescription filled for the new dosage / won't be doing any more microdosing now that I know it's working so well for my emotional health.

ironically, it's also euphoric for the same reason it's dysphoric:

gender euphoria knowing that part of the weirdness in my identity is likely from having naturally broken hormone levels.

my gender presentation / role isn't going to change since the only thing to change was improving my health.

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intersex, stigma, visibility 

In much of the public intersex discourse & advocacy, the same words are repeated and parroted ad nauseam, every time, always the same:

["wait until folks are old enough to decide for themselves..."]

dot dot dot

[...] but then there's zero followup.


1. There needs to be more training and education for doctors and family (parents & guardians).

2. In many communities, young folks don't have access to a comprehensive, intersex-inclusive sex education curriculum.

3. There aren't many community elders openly talking about their experiences growing up & sexually maturing as an intersex person.

Here's my own take.

It's not just anatomy:

["wait until folks are old enough to decide for themselves"]

~ fuck that noise ~

Like seriously, genitals aren't even the main thing, it's just a symptom you can spot early-on, and in most cases it just gets ignored:

"so long as urine can exit".

There's almost always a difference in psychological / emotional development, as well as the differences in puberty, fertility, social aspects of living in a world where there isn't much awareness, etc. etc. etc.

And on top of that, whenever folks are deemed: ["old enough to decide for themselves"]

The protocols are for transgender folks. There's almost zero awareness of intersex healthcare needs.

huge relief / good news / no deadnaming today 

really glad the person on the other end of the line saved us both a lot of time and hassle and let me know there's no need to re-interview or certify anything at this time because they're not wanting to have healthcare access barriers for people during a pandemic. No records lookup / no deadnaming today. woot!!!

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adulting, GAD / anxiety, phones, "real name" / deadname 

I'm really not enjoying this hold music / waiting in line to talk to a live person so I can deadname myself for the sake of looking up my records. uhg, there really needs to be a universal protocol for not having to deadname yourself if records have an old name which is still the "officially recognized" / "real name" ~ aaaaaaaaaaa

hornypost, anatomy, hormones, lactation 

I don't know if my tits are technically horny or not, but being so full of milk that I have a strong urge to use the pump (or otherwise express milk) is definitely a similar level of frustration as pent up horny energy. let's just say that having a nonzero libido lately because of a recent medication change has been a wild ride.

lactation, milk, body stuff 

uhg, why is it always the right one that leaks most prominantly. I really hate wearing nursing pads but I also have to consider the milk stains in my undershirts... always on the right side though. why this?

I think it's extremely queer 

I keep ending up with nonbinary / queer / trans partners, and also I'm queer too. it's not even a genital / body / anatomy / gender thing specifically that feels queer? I'm not sure why but all my relationships feel super queer and I'm pretty sure that's not just my imagination.

medical cannabis, DIY tincture, green dragon 

the pleasant flavor of the "sour space candy" CBD flower [probably the most tasty strain I've ever had] hangs around longer than the comparatively short-lived ethanol burn.

also: it's kind of epic how dark the jar of liquid is. even in the dropper bottle it's visibly dark / green.

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medical cannabis, DIY tincture, green dragon 

my experience with decarboxylation to make medibles came in handy. the rest came down to knowing how solvents work. I now have a supply of "green dragon" / full spectrum cannabis tincture, and probably the only downside is the flavor "everclear" (190 proof grain alcohol) which I used as a food-safe solvent. Either way: no more smoking. yay!

frozen food hack, pizza 

instant microwavable pizza, with: extra cheese (I added something generically called "mexican blend"), seasoned salt (I used lawry's original), dried oregano sprinked from a shaker, and fresh ground black pepper.

for Americans 

Troll a conservative relative. Tell them "all countries matter" today.

affirmation, nice mood 

I'm pretty.

identity, euphoria, name change 

Well heck, that sure did take a while. Silver lining: I'm 100% sure this needs to happen, and all the relevant social workers, medical, and legal folks who I've talked to completely understand why I'm changing my name. This is the right thing to do, AND the timing is great!!!

ghetto / slum problems, poop, screenshot 

I guess I'm having this conversation today. heck.

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ghetto / slum problems, poop, screenshot 

chronic neglect of the plumbing & having to repair things ourself because the landlord won't lift a finger means occasional conversations like this one.

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personal socioeconomic factors, housing insecurity, aprehension 

just found out yesterday that I'm a lot more likely to end up displaced and/or homeless again than I expected. I lost some sleep last night, and I'm not having a good morning.

Voting for Trump? I’ll show you the door.

With President Trump’s latest move stripping away protections from transgender people seeking healthcare, and with violence against transgender women on the rise, being a Trump supporter no longer means you simply have a difference in opinion from me. It means that you, by voting for him, are making a statement that my life and hundreds of thousands of other lives belonging to those who identify as transgender DO NOT MATTER TO YOU! It means that you would be okay, were I violently attacked, and I were to die of a horrific injury because the nearest medical provider refused to treat me due to their “religious beliefs”. It means that “the economy” or any other reason you’re choosing Trump matters more to you than LIVES, including my own.

Simply put, if you intend to vote Trump, I do not want you as a friend. Please filter yourself out of my life accordingly.

medical cannabis, pain management, chronic pain, painsomnia 

silver lining: waking up in too much pain to get back to sleep, I realized I could do some housework at this hour if I was in less pain, AND currently have access to a cannabis strain which will provide adequate relief without excessive impairment. also, it's 4:20 so as soon as I finish my coffee I'm having a laugh at the timing.

lactation, gender thoughts 

gender is difficult sometimes. bodies are weird and I don't always know how I feel about mine. heck.

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lactation, bodily autonomy, stigma 

this is the second time in the past 7 days I was about to have coffee but realized there was no milk or creamer available so I opted to pump some milk even though I wasn't really in a good mindset for lactation. definitely one of more stigmatized things I've ever done, but it (breast milk) makes a fine cup of coffee even if I'm impatient and only pumped 5 minutes.

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