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food, livetooting the bible 

now I have a craving for mustard, so I'm off to the store to get some hot dogs. probably not gonna come back to The Book for a bit, cuz jesus christ it's dull

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livetooting the bible 

til mustard grows into a tree, apparently? (matt 13:31) big enough for birds to sit on? I know nothing of mustard beyond what it tastes like prepared so 🤷

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livetooting the bible 

wait, when Matt 12:46 mentions jesus's brothers being outside, does it mean brothers literally? did jesus have siblings that are just never mentioned? I thought that was made up for Dogma (1999)

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snarky ableism, livetooting the bible 

"and he made the dumb talk" only seems impressive to someone who's never seen twitter

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livetooting the bible 

being semi-verbal, the ~miracle~ of making someone able to speak is almost as unimpressive to me as waking up someone who was asleep. like, it isn't nothing, but it's hardly a superpower

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livetooting the bible 

lol matt 9:23 jesus comes to raise someone from the dead and tells the mourners "yeah y'all can leave, she's just sleeping". they laugh at him so he goes and takes the girl's hand, she wakes up and everyone is amazed

like y'all. he literally *just said* she was never dead

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livetooting the bible 

"The whole town came out to meet Jesus and when they found him, they begged him to leave their region" gee I wonder why

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livetooting the bible 

also imagine being those pig herders when jesus swoops in all protagonisty, yeets some demons into them, and then they all march themselves into the sea. the herders just standing there like "what the fuck dude I was gonna eat those. not cool." I guess that's what they get for not keeping kosher

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livetooting the bible 

wait, is Legion two people possessed by many demons in matthew, instead of one like in luke? and does matt's telling of the incident not give me feelings as much as luke's to me because I've now heard the story before, or is matt just not as good of a story teller (I kinda suspect the latter)

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livetooting the bible 

overall, though, sermon on the mount? 💯. A+. someone oughta show this to the christians, they might learn a thing or two

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livetooting the bible 

²² The eye is the body’s lamp. So if your eye is clear, then your whole body will be lit up. ²³ But if your eye is evil, then your whole body will be in the dark. Then if the light in you is darkness, how dark is that! ²⁴ No one can serve two masters. Either you’ll hate one and love the other, or you’ll be devoted to one and despise the other. You can’t serve God and Money.

22 and 23 make no sense to me, but 24 is... I mean it really can't get more unambiguous than that

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livetooting the bible 

I will choose to interpret this to mean stealing from rich people is Gᴏᴅ's Will, for how else would we ensure that this passage remains true

also, praise Mᴏᴛʜ

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livetooting the bible 

matt 6:19 "Don’t store up wealth for yourselves here on earth where moth and rust ruin it, and where thieves break in and steal. Instead store up wealth for yourselves in heaven, where moth and rust don’t ruin it, and where thieves don’t break in and steal."

this book is not very clear on a lot of things, but it does seem very certain that being rich is bad

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livetooting the bible 

like, in context it means roughly "if you brag about your charity, it isn't charity", which is true. that's just entirely not a meaning I've ever heard it used with

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livetooting the bible 

wait, "the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing" is a biblical reference?? and it's supposed to be a *good* thing?

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livetooting the bible 

matt 6:1
"Be careful not to do your good deeds in front of people, so they can be observed—otherwise you have no reward from your Father in heaven"

but

matt 5:15
"People don’t light a lamp and put it under a bucket. Instead they put it on a lamp-stand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine in front of people, so they can see the good things you do, and praise your heavenly father."

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livetooting the bible 

and then half of the stuff that seems like genuine prescriptions is utterly ignored by people who claim to follow him. which, granted, is something he pointed out himself at the time. literally everyone is picking and choosing, including and especially the people who claim to follow every word

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livetooting the bible 

I can't tell what parts of what jesus says are supposed to be genuine prescriptions and predictions and what parts are exaggerated, either by jesus or by matt, to make points. half of what he says is either contradicted elsewhere or is a metaphor using signifiers that don't connect at all to 21st century me

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livetooting the bible 

"After he was baptized, Jesus immediately got out of the water, and heaven opened before him, and he saw God’s spirit as a dove descending, landing on him. A voice came from heaven, saying, “This is my son, the one I love, who pleases me.”"

and then everyone at the Arby's clapped

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livetooting the bible 

you can make clothes from camel hair? wouldn't that be supremely hot or itchy or something? I've only ever seen a camel at a distance while driving, so I have no idea.

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