Big fan of the 1940s "mysterious illness" method of coming out
they said they didn't notice any repetitive motions beyond my use of a fidget toy (which is already 🤨) but maybe they didn't see that my legs were both bouncing at like 20Hz
the more I think back on it, the more gross shit I see in that conversation. besides a lot of calling me "high functioning" and saying how I have so many strengths, they also said "you might have been autistic at some point but aren't anymore". isn't the literal point of the research I was agreeing to participate in that autism involves a distinct brain structure that they want to study? how can I have become allistic if it's innate?
I need to not be Aware but with my tolerance where it is, the amount necessary to accomplish that for the whole rest of the day is enough to cause other problems. plus I would have to give up yesterday's hard-won progress
trying to think of things to live for. the only thing I'm finding is getting to see my sister's kid grow up, but thanks to internalized bigotry I'm probably never gonna feel comfortable being around kids. there was a brief period where it felt like I might get over it, might be able to accept that I'm not subconsciously a predator somehow, but then they started stealing trans kids away from supportive parents
if I could move rn I swear
they were so certain. not "we think probably not but our testing was limited", but "you're not autistic period". so I guess I'm just Broken?
even if I could get a diagnosis elsewhere, I don't have it in me to actually make the appointment. I could barely get it done when I thought it was certain. and with a diagnosis, it's not like I'll get disability or anything from it. it's not like it would stop the world from hating me. literally why am I putting so much effort into not offing myself when I've always known that's how I'd go out
like they literally said "being able to mask isn't something autistic people are usually able to do" which is complete bullshit?
I don't really understand how one hour with me is enough to say that when it's not even enough for me to let my guard down
welp, apparently I'm not autistic. that's what the results of the ADOS said, apparently. it sounds like I basically mask too hard and have done too much therapy to be autistic?
Newark, NJ: About the Court Graffiti
via @RadicalGraffiti on Twitter
I know the second day is always the hardest for me, but everything is horrible and I hate myself and everyone around me
I just want some tits. is that really so much to ask?
finding that programming gives me the same painful sapping of energy and joy as healthcare paperwork, even when I want to do it
My name is Else. As in if
Autistic and adamantly anti-assimilationist
Vulgar but vulnerable vulpine
Stealing the rainbow from god
The Vulpine Club is a friendly and welcoming community of foxes and their associates, friends, and fans! =^^=