I can get back to where I was in 2019. I survived 2020, so I must be able to get back there. right?
killing myself because I don't want to kill myself but it's the only way to get rid of the intrusive thoughts about killing myself 🤔🙃
I don't actually want to die. somehow I've found some positivity, somewhere, to hang on to. but the thought just keeps popping back up, and I want it to go away
my partner wants to break up with me, or redefine the relationship at least. because I'm too fucking broken to handle. I don't want to say there's nothing left for this hellish decade to take from me, because that would guarantee it finds something. but like. it would have to look pretty fucking hard
what if all the mindfulness stuff, all the talk about accepting things as they are because they aren't that bad, has always been counterproductive for me. that things always were as bad as my brain was making them out to be, and all my therapy has taught me is how to minimize and fake stability better
how was I ever happy. how did I ever look at my life and think any of it was okay. I've just been putting on this mask of being a good functional person forever, and burning out anyone who makes the mistake of trying to support me. faking being okay so adeptly that even my therapists haven't been able to see through it. lying through my teeth about things like "having friends", or somehow telling the truth that I don't in a way that nobody ever actually believes it. like I'm just more fucked up than anyone can actually internalize
"it's not a fish's fault it can't climb a tree", you proclaim while enjoying the fruits at the top of the tree
My name is Else. As in if.
Vulgar but vulnerable vulpine. They/them. N.B.: Enby. Stealing the rainbow from god.
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