Pinned post

This dossier details a classified Blappeture Mesa research project. The Enrichment Center would like to remind you of these mandatory safety and happiness guidelines:

1. Petting and patient discussion are encouraged. ⚠️​ Device size may vary.

2. The device will never threaten to bite you and, in fact, may hug you. Repeatedly. (With permission.)

3. The device is slow to respond. Your request will be processed.

details/full resolution/extra story: furaffinity.net/view/27507881/

Pinned post

An asexual, autistic fox's interest in: macro/micro 

I've said I'm not sexually interested in the big and small, / , play, etc. The opposite, I find sex off-putting (but others are free to enjoy what they want).

So.. what about size *does* appeal to this , fox?

If you're familiar with The Magic School Bus and Clifford the Big Red Dog, combine those.

To me, with great size comes great responsibility.. and inversely, with small size comes reduced responsibility. When I'm large, I lean into my protectiveness for others, e.g. scooping someone up to guard them from the world outside, to lift some of the weight that's on their shoulders.

That said, I do like to non-harmfully tease, affectionately roughhousing, focusing the tiny critter's attention on the moment, distracting from the concerns of the world beyond. I won't talk down to them, but I will press down on them and show them I've got them.

Inversely, when I'm small, I appreciate having a place where it's okay to be overwhelmed, where failure to take charge is expected and without bad consequence. Take what I said before and flip the roles around.

I'm also fascinated by the science of size, of a tiny in a gigantic world (e.g. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs) or a giant navigating a normal world.

Troubleshooting meta - a watched problem doesn't occur 

*something that takes a long time breaks*

Okay, I'll set up tools to watch it to make sure it doesn't break again.

*the thing doesn't break for a few hours*

Maybe I can go do something else while waiting for results...

tired: WiFi
wired: Ethernet

[context: WiFi is a wireless connection method, Ethernet is a wired connection method]

Mental Health (mixed): anxiety bad, friends good 

It's hard to look at myself and see anything positive. I'm afraid of everything, often panicking, and I'm not even in that bad of a situation, all things considered. "I'm just a burden", or so my anxiety says.

Some folks don't just put up with this, but give me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes and try again.. and again.. and again. I don't know where they find the patience and forgiveness for me.

And other folks have offered to support me, even though I'm not ready to emotionally sprawl out more - I appreciate you too.

The "X-ray Deluxe" precision instrument, also known as a pretty darn big hammer for when there are no screws, easily removed glue, or such :)

youtu.be/5hu17D7VZXo "X-raying the tiny AC LED lamp filaments", 5m21s, by bigclivedotcom

When @Azure is watching over you, making sure you get home safely…

youtube.com/watch?v=2Vzoqhwnl9 "supercell thunderstorm at sunset", 33s, timelapse of sky from vehicle (mild photosensitivity warning)

Podcasts are amazing, especially as I find myself increasingly wanting to just not have to look at something, whether I'm needing to work on things without much mental focus, like cleaning, my eyes are tired, or for some other reason.

It's not everyone's cup of tea (and some of you even drink coffee!), but I've personally found them helpful. I'm using AntennaPod, which is on F-Droid (free, open source), but the beauty is asides from recent efforts by some companies to make podcast exclusives, you can use whatever you want to listen.

Mental Health (mixed): friends, lack of energy, missing presence 

Awesome: having several folks who are willing to talk, play games, and/or pick up and hold/pet/squeeze me.

Not so awesome: lacking the energy to really do.. almost anything. Talking, writing in character, etc.

That's probably the biggest thing I miss about being able to visit friends in person - just.. being around.

(One friend has even nicely weighed down on me when watching videos, talking, and stuff. I really miss that sort of reassuring comfort - unlike fictional writing, being a living weighted blanket in person doesn't require continual active effort.)

@Austin_Dern Given your posts on modular creatures, you came to mind immediately when I found out about this game:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plok!

A platformer where you throw your arms and legs as weapons, which boomerang back to you afterwards.

Another walk with Dad wearing the tail, another little compliment - this time from someone working in their yard that we passed by.

I'm prepared for some negativity around this, but I'm certainly enjoying the positivity meanwhile.

Show thread

Positive, consent-based data analytics 

It's refreshing to see "opt in" data collection, regardless of the use case. In this case, it appears to be towards good causes, too:
rally.mozilla.org/

I appreciate how respectful the sign-up process is - short, friendly disclaimer, making optional fields easy to clear/skip, and being upfront about how to remove your consent later.

I may not agree with absolutely *everything* Mozilla the corporation is doing (i.e. this is not an invitation to rant on other aspects), but I like how this was set up.

Content Warnings meta: self-care 

You don't have to open every Content Warning. It's okay to reserve some energy for oneself.

(To be clear, this just occurred to me as I'm tired at the moment. I didn't read anything I regret.)

Listened to the entire Chernobyl TV series soundtrack, and it's delightfully eerie, unsettling, and at times harsh on the ears, appropriate given the monstrous disaster that happened:
youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDi
(Ignore videos 14-17, those are duplicates. Videos 1-13 are in order.)

CC @Azure - possibly music for you to relax to? :)

re: Macro/micro, paws, dancing 

Okay, apparently there's a lot more to finesse with one's feet/paws in dancing than even I expected…

myweb.facstaff.wwu.edu/gberard

That's not at all flustering (ahem) >.>';

Of note, "Feet can be as expressive as hands" and remarks on pointing one's toes to emulating "lightning bolts" versus flattening them to "massage" the floor as "suction cups"…

There's also this quote: "The dancers feet bounce off the floor and they leap and swirl in patterns that reflect the complex rhythms of the drum beat." from en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Folk_mus

…don't mind me, just shyly thinking about these things from the perspective of a tiny critter on the dance floor (or better yet, the earth, allowing for foot/pawprints). 🐾

Show thread

Macro/micro, paws, dancing 

I think the content warning says all, but, uh…

Had a dream of a certain friend inviting me to dance, only to shrink me and, without really intending to, wind up dancing all over me, nudging, pushing, and (non-harmfully) hopping on a tiny data-fox underpaw, all in time to the beat of the song.

I really like visualizing music, feeling vibrations via subwoofers, and such, so.. this seems rather relevant. And tripping over the deep pawprints made by your friend's joyful jumps while trying to dodge their steps, said friend being genuinely enthused to have you around even if they're not quite realizing how overwhelming they are… it's, uh, it is a thing.

Anyways, I should sleep >.>';

As I pinned this thread, I feel it's important to emphasize that while I personally have zero interest in sex (and am off-put by it), I'm not here to dictate how you (the reader) enjoy things or not. Nor am I speaking for all asexuals - just me.

You do you, I don't intend to get in the way. This is just musing on myself, and something useful to know if you're interacting with this data-fox.

Show thread

…using the hashtag shows one for - and now I'm wondering what that even is..?

(Given my bias towards big critters as Weighted Blankets, I'm imagining either trying to weight lift someone's hand or foot/paw, or someone bench pressing with this small data-fox. Probably not what's intended.)

Show thread

Huh. The general pharmacy* has weighted blankets.

Admittedly, my first thought upon seeing them max out at 20 lbs is "that's rookie numbers, give me 200 lbs" (currently using about 50 lb, seeking more), but I can understand catering to the general need. I'm a bit unusual in the degree of desired pressure :)

(*CVS Pharmacy, but probably other places too. )

Analogy for helping understand some variants of asexuality 

"thestarlesswanderer" writes:
> Being asexual is like being born without a sense of smell but everywhere you go people are spraying perfume in your face and when you ask them to stop and tell them it’s irritating and you can’t smell the perfume anyway they get huffy and respond with “Don’t lie to me; I can clearly see you have a nose. Everybody has a nose therefore everybody smells things and besides maybe you just haven’t found the right scent yet.” and then you want to scream

Source: cupcakearrow.tumblr.com/post/1

This seems like one decent for being . Your experience may differ, of course (and others are welcome to smell as much perfume as they want, just.. I don't).

Granted, this unintentionally implies ace folks are missing an experience when I'm not sure that's the right feeling (there's some difference between lacking a sensory perception and lacking sexual interest - analogies ain't perfect).

re: Social anxiety, macro/micro roleplay interaction meta (sarcastic summary) 

Fearful fox scared to lose friends, politely catches them all, struggles to do the "take" part of "give and take" in friendships.

Fox see big paws. Fox want under paw. (Or equivalent strong/tight/heavy embrace.) Emotions say no, point to past mistakes. Fox fails to go to bed on time again, debates deleting remarks, feels too self-whining.

(Will be fine; not directed at anyone. Just tired of being tired for reasons that don't feel justifiable.)

Show thread

Social anxiety, macro/micro roleplay interaction meta 

I'm amused that in a small macro/micro community chat, I've been assigned the role (handy quick reference label) of "switch", rather than "macro" or "micro".

Technically, it's probably accurate - I like to offer to catch other folks as often as I get to be caught.

In reality, I'm very concerned about keeping things fair for others, so unless someone specifically is always in the larger role, I'll tend to be a big data-fox, erring on the side of giving too much instead of too little. It pushes me towards burnout, but oh well.

Then there's difficulty - sure, I find writing the larger character to take more mental effort, but as someone struggling with severe social anxiety, playing the smaller role is challenging emotionally - being vulnerable, being open, and.. somehow still tempering all these fears that consume me, because someone offering to catch me doesn't imply they want to be my therapist too.

Heck, even around those I trust, being small without succumbing to my self-hate takes so much effort. I keep derailing friends' efforts to find and squeeze me, and that just adds more anxiety to not make the same mistake next time.

I just want to feel tightly held and desirable, but it's a boss fight with my anxiety, which hurts friends…

Show older
The Vulpine Club

The Vulpine Club is a friendly and welcoming community of foxes and their associates, friends, and fans! =^^=