Big fucking CW:Suicide/ideation, mental health, problematic behaviors 

I appreciate the handful of people that frequently talk to me and make sure I'm doing okay, but I feel like it's only just enough to keep me from jumping off the precipice. Maybe that's good enough, but...is it really? Do I really want to spend my life being "only just short of" actively wanting to kill myself?

Last time when I finally broke and hospitalized myself in a massive overdose, I was ACTIVELY TWEETING my feelings and only a few friends actually bothered to reach out. After the episode? More fucking outreach than I could handle.

You've got it backwards, people. It won't fucking matter if I'm already dead.

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Big fucking CW:Suicide/ideation, mental health, problematic behaviors 

I recognized something that consistently triggers my suicidal ideations now. Seeing other people being successful/popular/having high engagement, ESPECIALLY people that I've witnessed being shitty in certain spaces.

Like, why do I even fucking bother? I actively try to improve, try to fix problematic habits I have, and I know I suck at addressing and communicating issues to people but...like...some people I watch make ZERO effort in that regard, hiding their shittiness behind fetish material, or a cute character facade, or are just outright unapologetic, and people swarm all over them...for some reason?

I don't want to be "popular", I just want to feel...like what I'm doing is actually worth a damn? I want to feel like my efforts aren't being thrown to the wind. Not just writing, or streaming, or whatever fucking project I do that inevitably leads to disappointment. Self-betterment, as well.

I know I still do and say stupid shit, regularly even. I'm not going to pretend I'm a fucking model of perfection. But at least I'm trying.

But seeing people who make no effort to fix things succeed where I repeatedly fail? It's exhausting.

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