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Please don't tag us in random threads without asking us first.

Just a thought.

— Elly

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re: Travel/availability PSA 

UPDATE:

We have returned from our trip. We may go on another trip to Austin sometime this month but it'll be short. Maybe a day or two.

We will likely be gone sometime in the first week of October.

— Elly

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Please help me provide image descriptions if you can, for the sake of the blind and low vision. I have cognitive issues and image descriptions at times can be difficult for me. I really am doing my best here. I am not asking for any emotional or physical labour you do not wish to provide, of course.

Shaming me won't make the disability go away, btw. But helping add descriptions helps not just me, but the blind.

minor daily struggle 

Okay, which one of you clowns *glares at system* lost my glasses and where did you put them? — Elly/Aurora

re: plurality/DID, making a web app thingy 

I have tables for the vessel (user), systems, alters, system names, vessel names, alter names, alter-to-system splits, system-to-system splits, system-to-alter splits, alter-to-alter splits, system leaders...

And I doubt my model encompasses much of the plural experience, I'm simply going off the experiences of myself and the others I know.

My head hurts with all these many-to-many relationships.

I don't even know how I'm gonna put all of these in UI...

— Elly

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plurality/DID, making a web app thingy 

Trying to model out a web app for modelling my system... because my system is ridiculously complex, and pen/paper just ain't doing it for us.

Let me tell you, SQL is not made for so many many-to-many relations, especially when the associative table has other attributes, but I'm doing it anyway because I don't really know what else can integrate with flask besides SQLAlchemy or another SQL-based ORM.

re: Reading about trauma 

I've come to realise too, that this is also why pharmacological interventions alone for depression are often not effective:

It's like trying to put different liquids into a car and seeing which one makes the car run.

It just so happens that most cars run on gasoline, and so the car usually works when you put that in (in this case, this would be like SSRI's).

But sometimes you've got a diesel, and gasoline is gonna wreak havoc on the inside. (This is like when SSRI's don't work, or someone actually has bipolar)

Or you might have a racecar engine that needs E100 or methanol, and it simply ain't gonna work.

The current state of medicine is such that they basically assume most of the time your car will run on gasoline, and if it doesn't, they just try to flush the tank and try another fuel and hope they get it right this time.

I think 50, maybe 100 years from now, with more understanding of the brain and how depression/trauma/etc. works, they'll look back at this time and see us as primitive as the people using mercury to treat syphilis are seen today.

— Elly

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Reading about trauma 

Oh. In this absence I've been reading a book

The Body Keeps The Score

It's a very good book about trauma and what it does to the body (how it rewires the brain, causes physiological changes and even disease as a result, etc.).

It's unfortunately an uncomfortable read for me at times, because it's like holding a mirror up to myself and the reflection ain't exactly flattering...

It's good to know there are physical reasons behind my trauma, though, and learning how I can move past it is super important to me.

I never realised how much trauma affects the brain... I learnt about it in pre-med, but I never learnt about it in this level of depth. The gold standard was still talk therapy and pharmacological treatment when I took psych classes in college, and antidepressants/antipsychotics/anxiolytics were treated as these magical substances that fixed everything wrong with patients, who were clearly always suffering from a chemical imbalance (this is not always the case, or we're targeting the wrong chemicals in many cases).

They are not panaceae, and studying how the brain works based on what these pills do is like trying to find out how a car works by studying gasoline.

— Elly

millennials and older click here for existential dread 

the 90s are to now what the 60s were to the 90s

re: subtoot 

I make no attempt to hide what I was, because I don't want to pretend I had this squeaky clean past where my shit has never once stank. But I do not take pride in it. It was a shameful thing and I am deeply ashamed of it.

Besides, I don't want followers who insist that everyone they follow have spotless reputations... because I promise you, no one on this planet has a spotless reputation.

We all have demons and things we would rather not tell others. I promise you, some of those self-righteous bastards on Fedi who act like they're first place in a purity contest of their own making probably have some really horrifying shit in their closets.

— Elly

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subtoot 

... people are proud to be former channers?

That ain't something to be proud of. It's my deepest shame, actually.

— Elly

PS2 hacking 

Thinking about installing a hacked HDDOSD on my PS2... :blobfoxthinking:​ — Evina

self, antidepressant stuff 

The Venlafaxine wears off a bit less than 24 hours... which really sucks. Probably because it's only 37.5mg right now.

Also, tapering down the Bupropion like this fucking sucks (I take the 12 hour, but I can only take it during the mornings).

Evenings are rough on me right now, because I'm sitting there waiting for the Venlafaxine to kick in whilst the Bupropion is leaving my system.

Doc is concerned about serotonin syndrome, which sounds like nonsense to me given that Bupropion doesn't interact with serotonin receptors to my knowledge... but she wants to do it this way. I'll defer to her advice. I didn't finish med school, and she did, so...

Eventually I will be on the 24 hour 300mg Bupropion and 75mg Venlafaxine, but I have to wait a while before I get to do that...

Alas.

— Aurora/Elly

hot take, DbZ 

DbZ would have ended instantly had Goku had any common sense. — Elly

antidepressant stuff, personal 

We started Effexor yesterday. On the lowest dose for now, will titrate up if all goes well.

We feel like we're not in such a dissociated haze constantly now, even on this low dose.

We actually feel real... we forgot what it was like to feel real... it's been so long...

The anxiety has been helped, but it's far from perfect, especially at this dose. So that's good.

— Aurora/Elly

The only thing I have to say:

Aurora fucking played Black And Yellow by Wiz Khalifa and now it won't leave our head.

Thanks Aurora.

— Elly

Probably gonna be gone for some time to come. 🐺 :blobcat: — Aurora

Facebook shitpost totally unrelated to the outage, nothing 

Facebook? Who would put a face on a book?

poetry posting, idk what alter this is 

One day I'll find a way
to feed the wolf what it needs
and give it a good meal
that will sustain it
and maybe then the wolf
will have its fill, and at last
leave my friends alone

I will find a way
because I have no choice
it's the wolf or me
but I'm not giving in
I'll fight it to the bitter end
this wolf will be tamed

And maybe perhaps
I can tame myself, too

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poetry posting, idk what alter this is 

It eats their hearts first
then goes for the head
and finally for the viscera
eating as much as it can
as if it's not eaten in years
even if just an hour ago
it ate when it emerged

We watch as a victim too
but nobody can see us
we plea for the wolf to stop
but its not done yet
it will leave when its full
and not come back
all we can do is watch
the blood flowing at our feet
and yet we are powerless
believe me, I tried my best

The table is cleared
the guests are gone
the wolf disappears
it's had its fill for now
and again, the cycle begins
my friends and loves revived
by their own resolve
stronger than death, they rise

I swear I will control the wolf
giving empty promises
telling everyone it's died
and there's nothing to fear
but deep down I know
the wolf is always around

And then my awful words
weave the wolf together
and out it comes
the cycle begun anew

And no matter what chain
what cable, what harness
whatever knot I try
not even a train could stop
and believe me, I tried

And one day my loved ones
they tire of the wolf, they leave
I set off, and I find new friends
but it's the wolf's next meal
they don't know it yet
but they will and I'm so sorry
but nothing I say can stop it
and I stay with my friends else
the wolf would eat me next

(cont)

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poetry posting, idk what alter this is 

The wolf inside awakens
I plead for it to stay inside
but out it comes all the same
my words from my mouth
weaving themselves into its form
taking shape before my eyes
and before I can stop
it has already become real

I try so hard to leash it
but it pulls the chains apart
cutting into my hands
as I try so desperately to hold it

The wolf runs outside
disobeying my command
acting on its own instinct
behaving of its own accord
the wolf answers to no one
refusing any master
wild and untamed it remains

It hears only pain
the howls of hurt lead it on
ever closer to its prey
there is a feast tonight
and everyone is invited

It eats at my loves
and all my beloved friends
it rips them to shreds
their cries for help
their pleas that it hurts
the begging to stop the hunt
only make the wolf stronger

My friends and loves fight back
because they don't want to be eaten
and could you blame them?
but every bullet they fire
it bounces back, wounding me
they know it does
but they're desperate
they have no other choice

But it's no use
the wolf comes anyway
immune from their weapons
nothing can touch it
it is invincible now
and dinner time is upon us
set the table, it has begun
and the wolf goes to feast

(cont)

self, a poem 

Everyone seems to grow thin with me
and their eyes grow black as hunters' eyes
and search my face for sustenance.
All my friends are dying of hunger,
there is some basic dish I cannot offer,
and you my love are almost as lean
as the splendid wolf I must keep always
at my door.

— Gwendolyn MacEwen

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